My Violets, For Remembrance
by MeghanthePagan
Summary: JD meets his soul mate. Oh come on I promise you its not that bad its more angst than anything else! I swear if your for the JDA you'll atleast like it. and if you atleast like it, Reveiw!JDA
1. My Joy

NOT a Mary Sue.

Title: My Violets, for remembrance.

Chapter: My joy

Disclaimer: I do NOT own 'Scrubs'

Characters: JD/OC, Entire cast

Song: Iron and Wine's 'In My Lady's House'

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there is light in my lady's house  
and there's none but some falling rain  
this like a spoken word  
she is more than her thousand names

In order for you to understand what this story is about I need to explain some things to you. I need to tell you about the most important person in my life. Even though I have only known her for two months, its vital for you to understand….to know who this woman was.

Her Name was Violette Crane. And she was the most beautiful woman I have ever had the pleasure to know. She wasn't just beautiful, she was perfect. Long curly brunette hair, huge hazel eyes, and large pouty lips. She was the epitome of classic beauty. And she was mine.

Everyone knows about soul mates and most believe that there is 'the one'. I never had believed that before. I did believe in love, don't get me wrong. But I never knew that this kind of love existed.

It was out of a storybook, or a movie. It was cliché. I thought that the kind of magic we shared was a farce. It was something made up to sell sweetest and Valentines Day. Something that only existed in dusty old books or Disney movies.

So when I met her and cupid's proverbial arrow struck, I was to say the least, in shock. She was sitting in the waiting room, where I had scoped out many hotties before. When I saw her, there was something more than just attraction. Turk laughed at me as I approached her looking like a zombie being drawn to brains.

I made a fool of myself in our first two minutes of talking, and she laughed. My heart melted with that laugh.

Now I know what your thinking. 'Well of all the sappy, sorry, lots…' Well its true it was completely sappy, it could have been scripted. She grabbed my hand after I continued to stumble over my words; she raised her eyes to mine and asked if we could get some coffee later.

With her chocolate voice, I was a goner.

_no hands are half as gentle  
or firm as they like to be  
thank God you see me the way you do  
strange as you are to me_

So I bandaged up her skinned knee she had gotten from a minor wreck on her bike (yes she drove a motorcycle… hawt!) she waited around for the remaining forty minutes of my shift and we made our way to the diner for some coffee. One thing led to another and before I knew it I woke up still holding her in my arms.

I had to take a double take. As if yesterday had been some sort of blessed dream.

I remembered after coffee we had returned to Elliot's and my place to talk… the majority of the night anyway. She was a photographer and was working on getting her work into a gallery a few blocks away from the hospital. I remembered that some how in there she wanted to come to the hospital to take some photos, if Kelso agreed.

I wont bore you with the details of the next few weeks, I had that feeling one gets in the pit of your stomach when you think something really good is going to happen. We were so similar in our beliefs I wondered several times if she were real.

I had rented Xanadu several times to make sure that she wasn't one of the muses. I finally bought it, and she laughed heartily at that.

Our relationship was going rather quickly but we didn't mind. You see, when you're a doctor your life is pretty hectic and it has a tendency to speed up all other aspects of your life.

I remember one time I was having a horrible day. Absolutely horrible. I had lost three patients. One was an old woman who had just run out of time. The other two was a Man and his 13-year-old daughter. I told their last remaining member of the family, the mom of the deaths.

It was the hardest time I've had with telling someone that their loved ones had died. She was completely lost.

Maybe its because I was so in love that had made me more vulnerable to feeling her pain. I sat with her for an hour just comforting her. Even Dr. Cox didn't bother me to get back to work. I couldn't, I needed to be there for this woman. She had no one left.

So when I came home that night, Violette was waiting for me with a big bottle of appletini mix and Vodka. As soon as I set down my backpack she wrapped me in those mile long arms and held me.

"Elliot let me in and told me what happened." She whispered into my ear. We sat there, limbs entwined in comfort for a long time. I finally looked up into those amazing eyes.

"Violette lets move in together." Her eyes started to water and she nodded. I would never let her go. Life was too short.

And just like that we were living together. It was fast, and I was rushing but neither of us cared.

A week later we were packing everything up from her loft apartment and mine and we were moving into a swanky three-bedroom palace above the bookstore next to the hospital. It was perfect.

I don't know why, maybe it was because I had finally learned my lessons from all my other failed relationships, or maybe it was because we were so in love, but I had no problems with committing to this woman completely.

Everyone loved her. We nauseated Dr. Cox however. He kept saying the only thing worse than an annoying little lapdog was an annoying little lapdog that was lovesick.

When we went on a double date with Turk and Carla, Violette had replaced Turk for Karaoke night. And when we sang 'Love is a Battlefield' I swear Turk shed a tear.

Work had changed too; my good mood seemed to be rubbing off. After disimpacting Mr. Farnell, AKA Mr. Mean Face, he had given me a thumbs up and told me to 'keep up the good work' This was odd you see because he was notoriously the meanest regular patient of Sacred Heart.

I skipped through the halls with sweet, fickle, love nipping at my heels. I was ready to break into song at the drop of a hat.

Life was looking the best it had in a long, long while.

_it is good in my lady's house  
every shape that her body makes  
love is a fragile word  
in the air on the length we lay_

So Two and a half months after I met her I woke up to the smell of paint and eggs. I stretched out in the black sheets we had agreed on, and rose up to greet the day with my new found joy.

I walked into the living/kitchen area. Boxes were still piled around as we had decided, to hell with the six hundred dollar deposit; we were going to paint the place. The walls were currently half Kermit the frog green.

I walked over to the kitchen and saw her standing there cooking breakfast. Scrambled eggs and Bacon. She looked stunning wearing a spare set of scrubs bottoms I had finagled from work for painting, and her beautiful black lacy braw. I just stared at her for a few minutes.

"Do you want me to spoon feed you this morning?" She smirked.

"Wha…?" I asked drowsily.

"Well the way your mouth is hanging open, I thought you wanted me to feed you." She laughed I sheepishly wrapped my arms around her waist as she plated the bacon. She took the two plates and went over to our brand new kitchen table. I followed still clinging to her. We sat and I dove into her wondrous cooking.

What god had given me the gift of this beautiful dream?

"I was going to run down to the resale shop for end tables today. But I wanted to know if you wanted to come with me when you got off?" She raised her eyebrow in that insanely sexy way.

"Nah you can go, unless you want me too. I would rather just come home and paint, get this room finished tonight."

"Ok. Well I'm ordering Thai tonight." Damn I hate Thai. "I was wondering if you wanted a burger or something for yourself."

"Oh my god I love you." She laughed. Leaned over and gave me a sloppy, bacony, kiss.

"You better hurry or you're going to be late." I looked at the clock, damn. I rushed off to get ready. In minutes I was dressed and on my way out.

"I will see you later. Save the ceiling for me ok?"

"Are you saying I'm short?"

"Violette… you're an inch shorter than me."

"Your mom." I laughed and kissed her and walked out the door.

When I got to work, it was like any other day, until I started daydreaming of Violette's sweet curves in front of a patient and, to my chagrin, Dr. Cox.

It was almost lunchtime so I knew I could post pone this rant if I ran. Sure he would have more time to think of biting insults but maybe we would be busy the rest of the day and he would have to put it off indefinitely.

I headed out the door in a hurry but Dr. Cox was too fast, a hand clamped down on my shoulder, we made our way over to the nurse's station and I settled in for the rant.

"Look Bjork, I'm so glad you found that lipstick lesbian of your dreams, and you finally have someone to cling to in excitement, when you go and see Shania Twain. But if you were daydreaming of your new little gal pal in there, you need to snap out of this pink little love funk you've gotten yourself into or I swear-" Just then Elliot rushed up to me and stood in between Dr. Cox and I.

"JD." She looked flustered; I looked over her shoulder to see Dr. Cox fill up with red like a thermometer.

"My god Barbie, you are not interrupting me are you? Because if you are I have a body bag right here for you." His arms crossed, an expression of disbelief on his face.

_Flash_

_Elliot is in a clear plastic body bag and standing in a huge pink and clear plastic, cardboard box. She starts banging on the walls confining her._

"_JD! Help Me! I cant breath!" I motion to open the box but Dr. Cox steps in front of me._

"_Sorry Newbie this is a special edition Histrionic Personality Disorder Barbie. It'll cost you thirty bucks." He crosses his arms. I fish my wallet out of my pocket._

End Flash 

"JD! Its Violette!" Elliot yells out trying to snap me out of it. Well it worked my eyes were focused on her.

"What?"

"It's Violette She is on her way to the ER." Elliot says wringing her hands in worry. That was all I needed to hear. I took off towards the ambulance bay at top speed.

_no hands are half as gentle  
or firm as they like to be  
thank God you see me the way you do  
strange as you are to me_

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AN: something a little different from me. Gimme reviews! I am a review Vampire… I vant to drink your reveiwzzz


	2. My Pain

Title: My Violets, For Remembrance

Chapter: My Pain

Disclaimer: I do NOT own 'Scrubs'

Character: JD/OC entire cast

Song: Sufjan Steven's 'That dress looks nice on you'

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I was running at top speed, not pausing as I accidentally knocked over the janitors cart. I would pay hell for it but I didn't care. I headed strait for the doors, already listening for the sirens. None yet.

I got to the blue railing in what had to be record time. I waited straining my ears to pick out the noise as much I could. The sky was clear and beautiful. I heard the running steps of someone behind me, I glanced back it was Elliot and Dr. Cox. I heard Elliot wheeze.

"They said that she was in a shooting, we have three people coming in, the shooter and two females….I didn't wait to hear all the details but I guess it was on the corner by that old-"

"Resale shop." I muttered interrupting her, I nodded, to signify I heard her but my eyes were still focused on the entrance.

As a doctor you can picture some pretty nasty scenarios, if you hear about a cut it will often times turn up to be a stabbing wound. If you heard just a broken bone, it could turn out to be a shattered femur. But not in this case.

My brain just refused to associate Violette with any of the injuries my brain would usually associate. I couldn't even imagine her finger bleeding. I guess I chose not to picture it.

I suppose I could see a superficial bullet graze, maybe. My hands were gripping the blue railing tightly. I glanced back at the two standing behind me, both wearing worried looks.

I didn't dare to think what they might be wondering.

Suddenly I heard the faint whining of sirens off in the distance. I spun towards the noise. It was getting closer and closer.

What was taking them so long? The noise was predominant now though so I knew it was them,

Then I froze as the sirens went off. I strained to listen but they were gone. My breath hitched

"She is probably fine then. She must have bumped her head, and they are just bringing her in for observation… It must be some one else." I spluttered over the words not daring to look back to see the looks on their faces.

"No need for sirens then, right?" I laughed nervously. I was ringing the railing and noticed it needed to be repainted, some of the paint chips where splintering my hand.

Violette is getting an extra dose of lovin from Dr. D tonight.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, I looked it was Dr. Cox still looking off into the distance for the ambulance. I noticed Elliot was gone. Where had she gone off too? Maybe she realized that it must not be a big deal because the sirens had quite…

What was taking them so long? Finally I saw the ambulance coming down the drive, I rushed to the place where they would park. They need to drive faster damn it.

"Dr. Cox!" It was Elliot behind me but I didn't bother to look, I couldn't take my eyes off of the emergency written backwards on the hood. I heard Dr. Cox and Elliot saying something in hushed tones behind me. The van was still coming, damn it.

Dr. Cox was standing behind me once again he put his hand on my shoulder and tried to turn me around. But I shrugged it off.

"Newbie." His voice was low and it cracked a little. No way was I working until I saw her step down from the back of that vehicle, a big stupid grin on that beautiful face of hers, and poking fun at my worry.

Finally the ambulance stopped. But the doors didn't swing open. Instead the driver got out and slowly walked to the back doors.

"Hurry up!" I started towards him ready to swing the damn doors open my self. But Dr. Cox stopped me.

"Newbie come on." He kept a firm grasp on my arm, I turned back to him to shoot him a dirty glare, but instead I froze. His eyes were red and wet. What? I glanced at Elliot over his shoulder, she was softly crying into her hands.

I violently ripped my arm out of his grasp and gave him a hurt look.

I ran up to the ambulance, and swung the already partially open back doors open wide.

She laid there, eyes wide and staring at the ceiling.

"Violette baby?" I started to climb in, the paramedics looked like I had taken them off guard. A strong pair of arms wrapped around my shoulders and tried to pull me back. I fought them vigorously but never took my eyes off of her. I was waiting for her to sit up and claim championship for meanest practical joke ever.

Dr. Cox had finally managed to pull me back a few steps.

"What are you doing? She needs a doctor!" I said using a hurt tone as if I just couldn't believe Dr. Cox was being that big of an ass.

"Newbie, I'm sorry."

"What?" I spun around to face him. "What did you say?" His eyes were red and puffy.

"She's dead Newbie." He shook my shoulders as if to drive it home. But it only served to make me feel like a lifeless rag doll. I stood there for a minute, face blank, searching his eyes. Really looking into them as if to see where this kind of hurtful prank had been hatched.

But there was a part of me that was screaming in agony at those words. A part of me I ignored as it slowly and painfully lay dieing.

I shoved his shoulder as viciously as I could, he was sent back a few steps. He clasped his hands and placed them atop his head and just looked at me. I sneered at him.

"Shut up." I snarled it. It was the most evil and vicious sounding words I've ever said to anyone.

I saw Turk and Carla come running out the doors and headed towards us. I ignored them.

I turned back to the ambulance and climbed in, the paramedics just stood back giving me a wide berth.

I sat next to her on the gurney and looked into those insanely still beautiful green eyes.

But they didn't see me.

I closed up her shirt covering up that black lacy bra I had seen her wearing this morning and I brushed a curl out of her face.

I noticed that she had three gunshot wounds. Two in her stomach and one in her chest.

I didn't dare check her pulse. I couldn't bring myself to.

"Violette honey, time to wake up." I caressed her bloody lips.

The paramedics had already unfastened her from the board, I pulled her into my arms.

She was still warm. I felt her head lay on my shoulder.

"Violette, come on. You're embarrassing me, just wake up." I heard more sirens in the distance

A huge weight seemed to settle over me. It was pushing out everything that was coherent and good. I looked at the morose paramedic sitting a few feet away from us.

"Is that the shooter?" I whispered knowing no one else could hear us. His eyes widened he didn't say anything He looked away quickly.

I was still stroking Violette's back. I wanted nothing more than for those long sinewy arms to wrap around me.

"The shooter is in the next ambulance isn't he?" I repeated giving a more stern threat in the words. I wasn't good at making threats, so I thought back on the few that Dr. Cox had made on me.

"If I don't get to snap the neck of the man that did this, then I will have to snap yours. Now let me ask again. Is the shooter in that next ambulance?" The paramedic looked at the group standing behind me, he seemed to be rationalizing whether they could stop me from doing anything or not.

He looked down and nodded his head. Once again raising his eyes to meet mine. I nodded back.

I gently lay Violette back down onto the gurney. I was covered in her blood, but at the moment didn't care. I had something to do.

I was completely numb as I started to get out of the ambulance. Just as the other one pulled up.

There was a great rush of ER doctors as they swung open the doors. I strode past a crying Elliot and Carla and headed strait for the gurney that was being pulled out.

I got three feet away from it when I felt more arms pulling me back.

"Let me the Fuck go!" I struggled against those that were holding me back from this task. A scraping noise came to me from Violette's ambulance I spun around and looked.

They were unloading the gurney with Violette on it. I forgot about inflicting harm on the shooter and obverted it back to the paramedics that were now handling Violette. I pushed the closest one and he fell to the ground.

"Don't TOUCH HER!" I snarled at him. I wanted to beat the shit out of him. My brain was begging him to stand up and fight. But Dr. Cox stepped in front of me.

"Newbie stop it!" That was all I needed.

I punched him. Hard. He stumbled back, then raised his eyes to mine. There was a silent rage there. I was glad for it.

I wanted this throw down. But the uppercut he threw at me was still a surprise. I fell and landed on my back.

I stared at the sky for a minute. The same beautiful sky that Violette and I would never share together again.

The same sky that Violette had imagined having an outdoor wedding under. A sharp pain ripped through my chest. It was a stabbing and tearing sensation.

I had no idea that the emotional pain could manifest its self so literally. Sure I'm a doctor, I know that the mind is very powerful when it comes to healing and the body. But I had never experienced its ministrations first hand.

A hand entered my line of sight. I just looked at it and its owner, Dr. Cox. I rolled onto my side and began to rise under my own volition.

When I was standing and facing the flagpole and the wall of memorials, I bit my tongue as I could here the others behind me crying.

I couldn't take it and began to just…walk away.

I headed for Sasha but Turk and Elliot stood in front of it.

"Dude your in no condition to be driving right now. I veered off not stopping to listen or even look at them. I didn't know where I was going yet but I knew I needed to be alone.

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AN: I am a robot! Your reviews grease my gears!

OH MY GOD I just had to add this interesting little piece of info. Anyone watch 'Heroes'? Well Franklin the lab technician is Hiro the space/time continuum bender. HA!


	3. My Sunshine

STORY: My Violets, For Remembrance

CHAPTER: My Sunshine

DISCLAMER: I do NOT own 'Scrubs'

CHARACTERS: JD kinda sorta OC and Entire cast

SONG: Brand New's 'Jesus Christ' (which I recommend to all angsters)

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_Jesus Christ that's a pretty face,  
the kind you'd find on someone that could save.  
If they don't put me away  
It'll be a miracle.  
_

In this part of my story, my memory is faded, torn around the edges, blurry what ever you want to call it. I wasn't experiencing much except in the way of pure emotion. I don't know if you've ever had to deal with something so profound that emotion completely takes over, and your actions are completely secondary to that, but this is what I experienced.

I walked to the park. Simple enough. I wasn't thinking on anything other than Violette's face, with flashes of a blank stare and bloodied lips. I don't imagine I had much in the way of displaying emotion. I had no tears, I could recall not smiling but not frowning either.

It was just a sense of loss. I looked at the bushes and trees and could not imagine how they were not grieving with me. It was like this world went on, but if it had known Violette like I had, it would be cloudy and still.

_Do you believe you're missing out?  
When everything good is happening somewhere else?  
But with nobody in your bed,  
the night's hard to get through.  
_

And yet a major coping part of my mind was warring with the rational part. It was denying the fact that Violette laid dead in my arms a few short minutes ago.

It wasn't fair, screamed the vocal part of my brain that still ranted and raved over the other whirling emotions. I should have been there. She asked me to go damn it! She asked me to go, and I said no.

Because I said no to shopping for some stupid little fucking end tables she was gone. That not so rational part of my brain screamed 'NO SHES NOT' Ok that guy needs to get locked up, he's just plain crazy.

I walked up to a picnic table, specifically the one we had never sat at. (We had spent a lot of time in the parks for her photography) And even though I sat at the one we had never sat at, I still thought about it. The fact that she could never sit at this picnic table with me, the fact that she could never experience it.

I got up and went to one of the tables we had sat at.

Yes I know that sounds crazy, but I did.

I thought about what she would say about that. And then I wondered what she would say if I didn't want her voice in my head? But of-course my head plays mean tricks on me and I swear I heard her singing 'My funny Valentine' somewhere near by. I looked around for the sake of non-rational thinking brain but saw no one, except Dr. Cox slowly walking towards me looking down his hands shoved in his pockets. Momentarily being lit up by the splotches of sun that came through the tall trees.

_And I, will die  
all alone  
and when I arrive  
I won't know anyone_

A surge of anger rushed up in me, but I quelled it. It wasn't this man's fault. He wasn't the one who had said no to buying end tables.

I thought on fate then, how is it that a woman who rides a motorcycle (deathtrap, so affectionately called by the folks in the E.R.), Has been to the Philippines (the kidnapping capitol of the world), Has lived so freely and openly and well, dangerously, how is it that a man with a gun happens on her and kills her.

Kills her. She's dead. That stabbing pain was back in my chest, I suppose it was my heart dieing. Well that's completely non-rational, another part of my brain scoffed. I jeered at it. It was sposed to be symbolic, but it might as well be literally.

"How you doing?" My head snapped up. I completely forgot that Dr. Cox was on his way over. I must be losing it.

"I'm fine." Was the automatic reply. I didn't know what else to say to him, I mean really, what do you say to a closed off emotionally, cold, mentor, when you are experiencing the worst pain you've felt in your life? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that deep down he cares. But its not like I have any proof on that matter.

He barked out a noise that might have been a laugh, more like an audible punctuation that hung in the air.

_Well Jesus Christ I'm alone again,  
So what did you do those three days you were dead?  
Cause this problem's gonna last  
More than the weekend.  
_

He sat down next to me on the picnic table and rubbed his face. I felt like he was an unwelcome guest, but I had no right to ask him to leave. After all I hadn't exactly sent out invitations to this party. I hoped that my raised eyebrow and shut off body language might give him a clue.

"I'm sorry Newbie." He may have meant it, and it might be the best thing to say to some one in my position, but it just didn't register on me. They were just words. Unwelcome words. And since they didn't really register, I just looked at him awkwardly, and then returned my gaze to the tree in front of me.

"Why are you sorry? Nothing to be sorry about." Another automatic response. And a bad one at that. I hoped that non-rational brain, and rational brain would gang up on vocal brain and just beat him into the ground.

"Your in shock Newbie, we should get you inside." He put his hand on my shoulder I looked up at him, not bothering to shrug it off. The sun was filtering in through the trees it lit up his face in such a way… I wish Violette were here to take his picture. Another twang of pain in my chest.

She would never know Dr. Cox like I did. In order to **_know_** him you need to spend time with him, understand his rants and that he really was a good person. Not Dr. old fighting Irish bastard, like Violette liked to call him. She never knew his insight, or humanity. It wasn't fair.

Then my mind reeled off spinning like a top, I finally landed in the land of, and it should have been me. She should be the one sitting here with Dr. Cox, being comforted by him. She had so much to live for still, Her art, her photos, they were amazing. She was a genius and now no one would know.

I felt a hand under my arm, some one, oh yes that's right, Dr. Cox was lifting me to my feet.

"Come on, you need to get changed." I looked at him quizzically, then looked down at my scrubs. They were covered in blood. Her blood. Her blood that was no longer pumping through her veins. She was dead. I shook more, and blinked about a hundred times looking at Dr. Cox as if I did not know where I was. And that was a very scary thought. He started to lead me back to the hospital.

His hand was warm on my skin. Like I was a corpse and Dr. Cox was some voodoo witch Doctor that had awoken me from the dead. That thought lingered, perhaps longer than it should have.

_Well Jesus Christ I'm not scared to die  
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after.  
Do I get the gold chariot?  
Do I float through the ceiling?  
Or do I divide  
And fall apart  
Cause my bright is too sly  
To hold back all my dark  
_

When we got to the parking lot I saw Elliot standing there waiting for us. Turk and Carla were on the front steps arguing with Kelso and the Janitor was just leaning against the railing watching everything.

When we reached her Elliot said nothing, she just walked along side me glancing sideways at me ever so often.

I was still being led by Dr. Cox, and felt childish for it, but didn't have the fore thought to grab my arm back. We got to the stairs and every one shut up looking at me.

"Oh Bambie!" Carla rushed up to me and cupped my face in her hands, I just blinked at her, not registering the support she was trying to give me. "I'm so sorry Bambie."

Dr. Cox pulled me up the few steps past a somber looking Turk, and there stood Dr. Kelso, shifting nervously.

"Sport you can take off some time just don't make it too long, Perry, either you or Elliot can take off to baby-sit. But just internal medicine, everyone else is busy." He shifted his gaze to Dr. Cox and raised a brow in frustration.

"Yeah whatever Bobo," Came the cold reply. I almost wanted to thank Dr. Cox for not starting a rant, but didn't have the nerve to say anything; instead I just sent thank you vibes towards him, hoping he might pick them up. After all he was a witch doctor.

We continued on. But before we entered the hospital I met the Janitors gaze. I looked at him like nothing, like he was nothing, or rather I was nothing and he was a crazy man for looking at me. His eyes spoke volumes.

He nodded his head and looked down sadly. Huh. I wish I were coherent enough to register that, and log it away into my memory banks to decipher later. I knew it should have been a comforting thought but instead it filled me with anger and sorrow.

_And this ship  
Went down  
In sight of land  
And at the gates   
Does Thomas  
Ask to see my hands  
_

We walked into the hospital and headed strait for the locker room, Elliot, Carla and Turk close behind. Before I new it I was at my locker and opening it. Turk handed me a set of new scrubs and I went in one of the shower stalls to change, It was slow going but… I didn't really care…

When I came back out Dr. Cox was dressed in his street gear and holding his duffle and my backpack.

"Ok Newbie lets go." He pushed me out the door. I didn't bother to glance back at the others. I felt like a puppet. Or a maybe that lapdog that Dr. Cox was always talking about.

The trip to the car was really fuzzy, I think I blocked out the sad stares and 'I'm sorry's' from the rest of the hospital as we made our way out.

It flashed in a surreal picture show. The sad and depraved passed by in a mass of color. I could have sworn I saw Violette at least eight times on the way. When we finally got to the car and started driving, my breathing started to quicken, when Dr. Cox missed the turn back to the apartment. Something in my head flipped.

"What are you doing? The apartment is the other way."

"We aren't going there."

"What are you talking about? I have to get back and paint the ceiling, other wise Violette will try to do it." My voice raised an octave with each word and began to quicken.

"Deep breath Mae. You need to calm down."

"But Violette might need help with the furniture! We should go, she will try to move it on her own and she will put out her back." My hands came up to my face in my frenzy. I hadn't had time to wash them when I was at work.

"Ugh, she hates it when I come home dirty. Especially with blood." Dr. Cox spared a sideways glance. He looked worried.

"Dr. Cox thanks for the ride but I really can walk back to the apartment, it's only a few blocks away." I looked at Dr. Cox. He looked extremely torn, and worried. "You don't have to worry I have my mace." The car suddenly swerved off the road and he parked in the reupholstry parking lot.

"Oh did she ask you to pick up the love seat?"

Dr. Cox twisted in his seat completely

"Newbie, whose blood is on your hands?" I looked at him like he was on crack.

"Mr. Ackles, you remember you were there. His lungs were compromised we had to drain the bleeding. Look Dr. Cox I really don't feel like talking about work when I'm off I just want to get home to Violette." Dr. Cox looked at me eyes wide as if in surprise.

He turned back to the wheel and let out a long sigh. It was almost comical the way it seemed every ounce of patience and energy was drained in that one breath.

"I'm not doing this in the car Melinda, your freak out session is gonna have to wait a few more minutes. We are going to my place. You figure out why."

"Oh did she talk Jordan into having us over for dinner? I'm sorry Dr. Cox, I told her it would never in a million years fly but she just thinks…. Well she just wants to get to know you. I told her what a help you have been to me in the hospital and she just wont drop it. We were going to invite you two over for the house warming, but I guess she just couldn't wait." I glanced at him, his knuckles where gripping the steering wheel so tightly that they were white.

I fidgeted, waiting for the rant but none came, I smiled when he sighed again and said nothing. Was it because he wanted to get to know her too? Because that would be so cool. I think if he really got to know her, he would love her. She definitely had that sassiness he seems to be so fond of.

There was a distant thought about me smiling, like I wasn't supposed to or something.

_I know you come for me in the night like a thief  
But I've had some time alone to hold my life to me  
I know you think I'm someone you can trust  
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up (and you won't know)  
So do you think that we can work out a psalm  
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try_

We arrived at his apartment shortly; I followed him and looked around the apartment with toys strewn about still. I guess Jordan didn't think it was necessary to pick them up; it didn't bother me, it showed she felt comfortable with messiness around Violette and I.

"So where are they?" Dr. Cox had walked over to the bar and poured two tall glasses of an expensive looking whiskey. Ooooh he trusts me with the expensive stuff? What did I do to deserve this? He handed me the glass and plopped down onto the couch.

"Jordan took jack on a trip with her mother to Napa, their doing the train thing. They wont be back till Monday. I told you that this morning. JD, sit down please." I looked at him warily.

"Look Dr. Cox, I really need to take a shower before I meet up with Violette, do you mind if I just take a quick shower here? Or we can go to my place. Like I told you we should have done." I took a tiny sip of the burndedy liquid and set it down on the table, not bothering to sit, I was itching to get clean. "We should all go out some where. There's that new Thai restaurant, down town." Dr. Cox leaned forward and put his face in his hands. He muttered something.

"I hate Thai." I barely heard him.

"Really? Me too. But you know, Violette loves it so what ever the lady wants, she gets." There was a sick feeling in my stomach and it seemed to be crawling up my throat.

"SIT DOWN." He barked it, still not looking at me. I immediately sat hands on my lap and on the edge of the seat. "Newbie, whose blood is on your hands?"

"I told you it was Ackle's blood. He was…"

"I know what he **_was_**," He said the words angrily; yet it wasn't aimed at anyone really it was more like an angry statement. He was probably still upset about the patient dieing on us. Poor Dr. Cox he's just a big cuddly teddy bear on the inside.

"When did we treat him?"

"This morning?"

"No Newbie that was yesterday. **_This_** morning you threw down the janitors cart on your rush to the ambulance bay." I started shaking my head, furrowing my eyebrows at him. But he didn't give me the chance to argue.

"You were running there because Violette was coming to the hospital in an ambulance because she had been shot." I started shaking my head more vigorously. "And that blood on your hands? That's Violette's blood."

I stopped breathing and looked down at my hands. I knew he wasn't lying. Then the whole thing rushed back to me in a 8 second blur of images in no particular order, resting on the image of Violette in the back of the ambulance, lips red with blood and eyes staring off.

I was going to be sick. I got up and ran for the bathroom. I made it just in time to throw up the lid and empty the last of this morning's bacon and eggs into the toilet. That brang me back to breakfast which brang me back to.

"Unless you want to come?"

"Nah."

I heaved another three times before I had nothing left to sacrifice to the porcelain god. I sat back on my haunches. Dr. Cox stood in the doorframe holding out a wet cloth, and his glass of whiskey. I took the cloth and wiped my face. I flipped on the tap and rinsed the taste out of my mouth and then grabbed the glass of whiskey and downed it.

It was almost excruciatingly painful on my raw throat but I didn't care.

I walked into the living room and grabbed my backpack to leave.

"You're not goin anywhere."

"Fine then I'm showering here." I B- lined from the door, back to the bathroom. All the while Dr. Cox close on my heels. I shut the door on his face. Not meeting his gaze.

I just wanted to be alone.

_know you're coming for the people like me  
We all got wood and nails   
We try and tear down hate and factory  
We all got wood and nails  
We try and tear down hate and factory  
We all got wood and nails  
And we sleep inside of this machine_

(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)

AN: I am a ninja, If you don't give me your reviews, I will sneak into your brain when your not looking and steal them along with all your deepest secrets!

**Spoiler alert:**

Also I have to say I really think that JD's baby isn't going to happen. Just because there is a whole lot of baby making going on, and it's a T.V show. I get this feeling that Kim is not going to be sticking around past maybe epi four?

I just thought there was something more behind Jordan's sad face after the abortion talk. Like maybe she knew where it would lead or something. It is Kim's body after all. If she don't want it then… I don't know, maybe I'm grasping at straws. I get this feeling that JD and Elliot are fated to be together.

And if Kim does stick around? Then they will prolly get married and do the whole family thing. It would be cool for all their kids to grow up together. Poor Elliot. I can picture her as the one who babysits them all. Alone with her bazillion hairless and declawed cats… Hahaha, I love you if you know why that's funny.


	4. My Rain

STORY: My Violets, For Remembrance

CHAPTER: My Rain

DISCLAMER: I do NOT own 'Scrubs'

CHARACTERS: JD kinda sorta OC and Entire cast

SONG: Thrice's 'Meet you in the shallows'

DEDICATION: I dedicate this to Exes and Ohs 2, so that she wont be bored!

(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)

I hear the waves crash far below,  
the rocks are leaping for the sky,  
they're starving for the air,  
for a bone to break, a dream to smash apart,  
but I don't care.

I stood in the shower turning the water all the way up. Creating my own personal sauna. I stood there under the steady stream of water and steam and pictured her curls on the pillow next to me hiding her face. She looked like a Muppet when she did that. I smiled but it was jerky and I quickly pulled it off of my face.

There was a deep sense of surrealism about everything. The water the soap, the fogged up mirror. I must have spent two hours in the bathroom. I dressed and warily touched the handle. I brought it back as if scalded. I knew as soon as I opened that door, the cold air would rush up to meet my pores and me would close and the cold would creep back in.

"What's so wrong with the cold? I love it, when I used to live in Michigan, The snow was beautiful. I thought you of all people would like the snow?" We turned into the apartment parking lot. She flipped the heater off, and then glanced at me giving me a warm smile.

"_Why do you say that?" I ask getting her camera equiptment out of the back._

"_I don't know, maybe because you always look for the good things in life? For some reason when I picture you with snow, I get the feeling you would be in awe. Maybe its just your innocence." She smiled, her eyes glittering in the afternoon sun._

"_We live in California, There is no snow here, only coldness. I might be able to stand the coldness if there were snow. But there's not." I laughed, holding her camera up to her._

"Oh poor baby, I'll keep you warm." She mocked me but leant forward for a kiss before grabbing the camera and getting out of the warm car.

I rubbed my eyes and looked back into the mirror quickly then exited the warmth of the bathroom.

It looks deep enough from here, I'm diving  
this cliff has been well worn by ignorance.  
It looks deep enough from here, I'm diving  
they float face down they all look so content.

"Oh good Dawn, I was just about to forward all my water heating bills to your place. I wish you would have told me that you were going to wax, I know that takes you girls forever." The words were spoken with indifference; Dr. Cox didn't even take his eyes off the TV.

"Sorry…" There was an awkward pause. I shifted on my feet. "Look Dr. Cox you don't have to baby-sit me, I will be fine." Dr. Cox just nodded.

"Is that right Verra? Then why is your shirt on backwards and inside out?" How did he do that? He hadn't even looked at me yet. "Sit down, have a drink." The bottle of the expensive stuff sat next to the phone and an empty glass. I slowly walked up to the couch. I sat down slowly next to him. I took the bottle in shaking hands and filled the glass making a large triple.

I leaned back and looked at the TV. It was an Episode of Chicago Hope.

I downed the alcohol in two goes. I made my standard yucky face.

"You know Newbie, Alcohol doesn't treat you well if you disrespect it. Making those funny faces only make it taste like crap."

"You mean there is a way I can drink it that makes it taste like cool aid?" I said monotonously. He just rolled his eyes lent forward and refilled his and my glasses.

"Just try not to make the face. I guarantee it burns half as less." I took the proffered glass and eyed the amber liquid warily. To drink myself into oblivion would be…nice. I downed the amber fire and forced myself to hold back the 'yuckiya' face. To my surprise it worked. Well it still burned and tingled and tasted like the janitor's cleaning solution but it wasn't nearly as bad as the first…err second one.

Maybe the reason why it didn't burn was because it was my third one.

"_You love appletinis too?" I was on the edge of my seat looking into her beautiful face._

"_Are you kidding? I love everything apple. Its only fitting that appletinis are the most wonderful alcoholic beverage in the entire world." She was eyeing the appletini the bartender was currently making, like she had walked through the dessert and it would be her first drink in days. _

_She absentmindedly licked her lips and I nearly melted off my stool at the sight. Well melted is too graceful a word for what I did. I found out that night that it was possible to trip over your feet while you are sitting. _

_She laughed at my clumsiness, I blushed. Way to woo her on our first real date JD, my brain berated. She grabbed my arm in her merriment, and when she brought her hand back to me she tipped the martini all over the bar. _

_She just started laughing louder. I laughed as well. She is a light drinker like me I guess. _

She turned those eyes on me, after apologizing to the couple next to us, and the bartender. Her smile was catching, and her eyes still danced with laughter.

I set the empty glass down loudly. And started to stand. Dr. Cox grabbed my arm and pulled me back to a sitting position.

"What were you thinking about?" He was looking at me, his eyes looked genuinely full of sympathy.

"I was thinking… about how I am never going to drink an appletini again." I looked back to the TV. Then lent forward and put my face in my hands. I held back every tear that threatened to fall. If anything I had learned in my years at the hospital, it was that you just don't cry in front of Dr. Cox.

"Tell me about it." My head shot around to look at him as if he had said the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard him say.

Dr. Cox had never actually initiated a deep conversation with me. I thought for a minute that I was still probably hallucinating. Or that Dr. Cox had drank a whole bottle of the expensive stuff while I was in the shower.

Then I thought of the question and my mind went blank. What had I just been thinking about? I really am losing it.

I don't know why I'm even here.  
Guess I'm afraid to be alone.  
And down below I see my crew they look okay  
that can't be blood the water here  
is far too blue

"Hello Michelle Louise? Anyone home?"

"No. Look Dr. Cox I'm really tired, Can I go home now?" My tone was a little whinier than I had intended. I looked at him, at first he did look annoyed but then his eyes turned quickly to sympathy. I must really look like shit.

"There's the guest room." I stood up quickly when he mentioned it, and made my way over to the room I had stayed in with Danny many times before. I felt Dr. Cox's presence follow me. I stumbled in the hall, almost knocking a picture of Jack off the wall.

I must be more inebriated than I thought. I straightened picture frame and looked at the smiling Jordan push a laughing Jack on the swing. I bit my tongue and could taste the salty coppery blood. I felt a hand on my shoulder that seemed to ground me and pull me pack into the present.

His still hand allowed me to realize just how much I was shaking. I stretched my spine and took a deep breath. Trying to shake them off. But it did not work. Dr. Cox pushed gently on my shoulder, urging me into the bedroom. I got in and sat down on the guest bed.

I just sat there for a minute staring at nothing. Dr. Cox just stood there looking at me, he finally sighed.

"Shoes off Newbie." I snapped my attention back at him and ducked my head. I tore off my shoes and just lay back onto the bed bringing my knees up to my chin. I threw the decorative cover over me and pulled the pillow under my head.

"Get some rest."

"Yeah."

I heard the door close, He was probably as eager to be alone as I was. I felt like such a burden, and it made me nauseous. I really must have been tired because I wasn't conscious for long.

and gravity  
seems far away  
but I can hear her call my name  
it's so comforting to know I'll never have to think again

(((((((((((asterisk)))))))))))

When I woke there was a commotion outside of the room. I didn't budge. I just lay there listening to what was unmistakably Carla Rip a new one, for some one.

Then in the midst of her shouting the door opened softly and slowly. It was so sudden I didn't have time to feign sleep.

It was Elliot. She came in and sat on the bed behind me. I knew it was too late to pretend I was asleep but I wasn't about to strike up conversation with her either.

But it didn't seem like she came here to talk as she climbed up behind me and wrapped her arms around me. I immediately began to shake again. But it was helping. Or at least it felt that way.

"_You mean you and Elliot had 'relations'" I nodded raising my eyebrow to wait for her reaction. You can tell a lot a bout a girl when she finds out you still hang around your Ex. You can find out if she is the jealous type, the vindictive type, or the competitive type. She just sat back in her seat however and looked deep in thought._

"_But you don't have feelings for her anymore right?" She looked into my eyes from her relaxed position. I let out the breath I hadn't realized I had begun to hold in, and laughed._

"_Oh god no." She smiled and shrugged._

"Good, cuz I was gonna say I hope I am more than enough women for you," she flung her leg over mine and I grabbed her knee in one of her most ticklish spots. She squirmed away laughing.

"_I only have eyes for you." I waggled my eyebrows at her. She laughed louder._

"_CORNY!" she snorted out._

I shot up out of the bed and ran my hands through my hair, looking at Elliot like she was the living dead.

"I…um… I just…" she slowly sat up, sorrow clearly written across her face.

"JD I…"

"Yeah…"

"Well if there's anything I can do…"

"Nah its cool…" I stood there for a minute just shifting uneasily, I motioned for the living room, looking back to her and hesitating, but then I just walked away.

It looks deep enough from here, I'm diving  
this cliff has been well worn by ignorance.  
It looks deep enough from here, I'm diving  
we float face down, and don't we look content?

"…No you listen to me, He was obviously in love with her, even though he only knew her for a couple of months, you don't just leave him alone! That was irresponsible." It was Carla standing over a very indignant and bored looking Dr. Cox. Turk was at the bar making himself a drink.

"What was?" I asked holding my arms to me; the hoody I had brought to work with me just didn't seem to keep the cold at bay. Every one spun around and or stopped what they were doing, Dr. Cox in mid sip, Turk in mid pour and Carla in mid finger wagging.

It was an awkward pause. I rolled my eyes. That seemed to snap Dr. Cox out of it.

"Newbie, did I spoon feed you that whiskey?" He said exasperated, as he held his glass to his face.

"…No…" I asked eyebrows raised.

"And did I ever leave you alone really unless you were naked in the shower or sleeping?"

"Its fine Carla, he was a good babysitter." I walked over to Turk and grabbed the bottle that he had just finished pouring himself an itsy bitsy amount or the amber liquid with, and filled my own glass. I downed it and did not make the 'yuckiya' face. Turk just stared at me as if I were a pod person.

"Dude." I humphed. "Look is some one else taking over now? Because I need to get home and call up her brother in Detroit." I walked over behind the couch and picked up my backpack.

Everyone just looked at me. I snapped my fingers.

"Hello, anyone?" Carla plopped down onto the couch, and Turk nodded.

"Yeah bro I got ya, your place huh?"

"Yeah huh?" I mocked him. No one seemed to be bothered at my attitude, which only made me scowl.

I followed him out not bothering to say bye, just a quick wave and then I was free.

It looks deep enough from here, I'm diving  
this cliff has been well worn by ignorance.  
It looks deep enough from here, I'm diving  
we float face down, and don't we all look so content?  
It looks deep enough from here  
It looks deep enough from here

(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)

AN: I am a pirate, if yar done given me yer reveiwses, I'll be a pillaging and plunderin until I gets them.


	5. My license to Liquor

TITLE: My violets, For remembrance

CHAPTER: My License to Liquor

DISCLAMER: I do NOT own 'Scrubs'

CHARACTERS: JD kinda sorta OC and Entire cast

SONG: Brand New's "Millstone'

AN: so I am finally starting to look at my Halo again. Its painful and eck. I just want it to sort itself out in my brain and pour out on this damn keyboard so I can be rid of it. Just BLEH.

(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)

I used to be such a burning example,  
I used to be so original.  
I used to care, I was being careful.  
Made sure I showed it to those that I love.

The ride to my apartment was silent. I knew Turk wanted to say something, but couldn't figure out what. It was kind of annoying. And yet I couldn't think of anything that I could say either. What a hypocrite. When we got to the apartment the sun was setting in brilliant hues, red and pink clouds and an orange sky morphing into a blue so deep that seemed to herald in the night.

The brick in the back of the building had long shadows cast from one of the neighboring fire escapes. I knew this perspective was thanks to Violette. I didn't really know how to look at such beautiful things before and appreciate them.

She had given me so much in our short time.

I had to go inside now and start organizing the life we had together and I had to start packing it away, so that it would be over. I only hoped that the autopilot I had been functioning on would take over for the entirety of it. As we walked up to the back entrance I noticed the smashed bottles near some burnt looking brick. It glinting momentarily like it was supposed to be some beautiful shining thing, but it was just a broken bottle and a few black bricks. I took out my key and I entered, leaving the door open while Turk shuffled in behind me. I really didn't want him to be here. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to savor the apartments unknowing state, and pretend for a few minutes that she might burst in through those doors.

I walked past the three bags filled with shredded paper from the bookstore and began treading upstairs. When I got to the door, I turned to Turk, not meeting him with my eyes.

"Could you uh…just give me..Just a couple minutes?" There was a moment's silence his hand rose up and rested on my shoulder.

"Sure buddy." I nodded and turned back around and unlocked the door. I let the smell of paint waft over me. The memories of this morning awakening more vividly than before. Makes sense I supposes. Sense of smell is the sense most linked to memory.

I walked in turning on the lamp but no the overhead. The overhead light always reminded me of more energetic, happy times. The lamp always left me with a sense of calm. I walked into the kitchen. The plates from this morning still littered the counter. I didn't dare touch anything; I just looked as if I were in some sort of exhibit.

The tabby cat she had liberated from the alley next to the hospital ran up to greet me.

"Hey cat." I ignored its hungry mewling and walked over to the kitchen counter and poured out a cup of food for the poor orphan. I had completely forgot about the cat. Violette would never have forgotten about the cat. She thought he was precious and she cared for things like that.

The cat was yet unnamed so we just called him 'cat' for the past few days, but I had a feeling that even if… Even if we had the opportunity to name him he would have remained just 'cat'

I was committing everything that she touched to memory. My feet took me to the bedroom. The scrubs she wore while she panted and slept lay discarded on the bed. I walked up to the nightstand and picked up the rings she took off too paint. My hand automatically reached out and pulled her pillow up to my face. I breathed it in.

Her soft sandalwood scent filled my senses. I sat down next to the bed, still holding her pillow to my face. I heard the door open and there stood Turk. I slowly pulled down the pillow and raised my tortured eyes to his.

"Hey brown bear lets go get shit faced tonight."

"All right man. Lemme just call Carla and them. Let them know. See if they want to come out with us."

"Yeah. I have to call Mike." I reached up to the nightstand for the phone. My shaky hand knocked it to the floor; I picked it up and flipped through the saved numbers. Turk closed the door as he left.

I like mike. The first words he had said to me were "if you hurt her, I will slit your throat." I thought that was reasonable and I agreed to the arrangement. I wondered now if he would go through with it and then I felt sorry for him, if he got caught.

I deserved a lot worse than a severed aorta. I sent the call through and listened to the other line ring.

"Hello?" The voice sounded distant and shaky, did he already know?

"Mike." I paused, not knowing what to say. I heard a sigh on the other end.

"JD?" I nodded and then shook my head at the notion.

"Yeah."

"The hospital called JD. They told me everything. I know you did everything you could." His voice was soft and it cracked several times.

"I'm so sorry mike." Why wasn't my voice cracking like his? Why wasn't I as shaken as he?

"JD stop. There wasn't anything you could do. Look I know you meant a lot to Violette and I know that you must be pretty tore up right now." I wanted to throw up. Why was I so calm?

"We are having the funeral there. I will be flying out tomorrow. She loved it there, and I know she would want to be there forever. I talked to some guy, Dr. Cox was his name. He said that you were really shaken up. How are you holding up?" I wanted to throw the phone across the room. Why was he dealing with this and why was I failing so miserably. He should be the upset one, She was family. And why was my heart so cold now?

"I…I'm fine."

I used to sleep without a single stir,   
'Cause I was about my Father's work.

"Well look Dr. Cox said he could pick up our great aunt Sara. I think Violette really would have wanted you to meet her. I know we have only talked a couple times but JD I really am glad that you and my sister met. I've never known her to be more happy."

My teeth felt numb now. I thought I should be crying right now, I should be feeling something, I was Mr. Sensitive after all. What is wrong with me?

"Thanks Mike. Do you need a ride from the airport?"

"No, Her boss at the photo lab is going to pick me up. We are going to stay at the Ramada."

"Don't do that. We… I've got room here."

"Yeah but."

"I insist." There was a pause.

"Ok JD. I will be there around 8 pm tomorrow. I have to go. You take care."

"Yeah, Mike, I'm…. I'm sorry."

" JD… Hang in there, bye"

"Bye." I slammed down the phone. Why wasn't he angry with me? I wanted him to be ragingly pissed at me. I wanted him to follow through with his promise that he made from the first time we met.

The door slowly opened and Turk was standing there.

"Hey man," I turned my head imagining that it made a wooden creaking noise, as I was sitting lent against the bed, hands on the floor laying palms up. I was nothing but a shell. A very cold, wooden, or metal doll. My eyes met him and they were as cold and indifferent as my end of the phone conversation moments before.

I blinked and registered that it was a friend standing there.

"Are we going out tonight?"

"Yeah man when ever your ready."

"I'm ready lets go." I pulled myself to my feet, I felt like I was doing an impression of the scarecrow.

Turk held out my jacket I grabbed it and walked past him.

Well Take me out tonight,  
The ship of fools I'm on will sink.  
A millstone around my neck,  
Be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

I used to pray a God was listening.  
I used to make my parents proud.  
I was the glue that kept my friends together,  
Now they don't talk and we don't go out.

I walked into the bar and followed Turk over to where Dr. Cox was sitting. I sat down and Turk sat beside me.

Dr. Cox pushed the glass of whiskey in front of me. I wrapped my hand around the glass and guzzled it down. The liquid only burning slightly less. The warmth blossomed in my gut and started to spread I quickly ordered another.

I could feel the gazes of the two men beside me jab into my skin like they were fishing for something and I was a lake.

I just wanted to get drunk and go home and sleep.

"I talked to her brother today. He is coming out tomorrow and so is his aunt." Dr. Cox said and turned away from me. I stared into my glass. I wanted to throw it at him. And scream that she was Violette's aunt too. And I wanted to scream and pullout his hair for taking all the fight out of Mike.

Instead I took the last bit of whiskey and downed it.

I wanted so much to scream out and beat them both into the ground for just being there. Oh, I am a horrible, terrible person.

I ordered another drink and downed it.

"I also called your brother."

"What1?" My head shot around so fast I knew it would hurt later.

"Dan will be here by Wednesday." I slammed the empty glass down. And ordered another drink.

"Hey man maybe you better slowdown." I didn't turn my head I just regarded him through the corner of my eye with malice, as I downed the next. I was warning him to stop. I didn't want them here any way.

"Why are you two here?"

"Because it's not safe to get shit faced alone." I snorted into my empty glass. I set it down and pulled on my jacket.

My stomach and throat were a tingling mass of warmth. I didn't want to deal with this.

"You should get home to your baby and wife Turk and Dr. Cox, we all know you would rather be anywhere else so, I'm going home." My jacket was kind of on, as I stood to leave. I had had enough of this shit.

I used to know the name of every person I kissed.  
Now I made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it. 

Take me out tonight,  
The ship of fools I'm on will sink.   
A millstone around my neck,  
Be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

Throw me that lifeline,  
The ship of fools I'm on will sink.  
A millstone around my neck  
Be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

A hand on my shoulder stopped my exit.

"You go on home Gandhi. I got little miss drama queen over here." That was it, I clumsily swung at him but missed completely almost tumbled over When Dr. Cox caught my errant fist and through me over his shoulder fireman style.

I heard a couple sniggers from the bar as Dr. Cox carried me out of the bar. The odd pov made my head swivel and sway; it was starting to make me nauseous. I almost wanted to throw up all over Dr. Cox.

I heard Turk in the distance. He sounded pissed.

"Go ahead laugh but his girlfriend just died…." I shook my head, Turk gave Carla a lot of crap about being a gossip, but sometimes he was just as bad.

Suddenly we were outside and the cold air hit me like a slap across the face. I pounded on Cox's back.

"You can put me down now." He didn't answer we continued on walking and I grew more and more nauseous. "I'm gonna throw up if you don't put me down."

"Good, maybe you will get some of the alcohol out of your system." I laughed. I heard the car door open and he finally set me down only to push me into the passenger seat and reach over to buckle me up. He made a point of putting my arms under the seatbelt. Dirty bastard. I stared at him in amusement. But didn't fight him off.

He slammed the door and walked around to the other side of the car and got in. After he started it, he immediately cranked up the heat. I protested.

"Don't. I like the cold." The words were out before I could register what I had said. He looked at me for a long minute and snorted.

I said nothing else as we made the two-minute drive to my place. I stumbled up and unlocked the doors. Noticing that the shredded paper in the hall was now gone. Just like that it disappeared.

I froze in my steps staring at the empty spot in the hall where the trash bags just where. I almost wanted to go out to the trash and retrieve the discarded paper and throw it up and down the halls.

Instead I trudged up the stairs, this time Dr. Cox following close behind.

"You can go home I'm fine." He didn't say anything he just raised his eyebrow and looked at me. I ignored him and walked into my apartment. I threw my coat onto the couch and headed for the freezer, I pulled out the bottle of vodka, unscrewed the cap and swigged.

"Slow down there, Noob."

"Said the alcoholic." I grabbed the appletini mix and held it for a minute in my shaking hands. I walked over to the sink and fumbled the cap off and started pouring it down the drain.

When it was empty I threw it into the sink. It broke, but it did not shatter.

Then I turned on him. I wouldn't back off just because he was looking at me sadly.

"What did you say to Mike?"

"I just told him That Violette was dead."

"That's not all you told him. You said something else. You said something so that he would forgive me!"

"Your angry about that? I just said that you were upset." I scowled and just stood there.

"What the fuck Perry why don't you just leave? I don't want you here."

"I think you might need me here." I walked up to him quickly.

"You don't know. You don't know who she was! You have no reason to be here. YOU didn't know her."

"I knew her a little and I know that she mattered to you and I know that she wouldn't want you to act like this." I swung at him. No reason. I only succeeded in scuffing the top of his head he grabbed the other rapidly coming fist and stopped my rampage. I ripped my arms away and headed for the door.

I slammed my fist into the wall as I opened the door and ran out down the stairs pounding on each step and out the back door. I could hear him behind me but I knew I was faster.

I headed for the street. I didn't know where I was going but I know the road is how you get there. I felt someone grab the back of my shirt as I ran, it tripped me up and I fell. My chin hit the ground zinging my teeth as they clashed together. I fought off the hands that were trying to pull me up, till I was finally hoisted to my feet.

Dr. Cox dragged me back to the apartment, an Iron grip on my arm. I stumbled after him. My mouth and chin still shooting signals to my brain. I glimpsed the back of Dr. Cox's neck and I could tell his teeth were clenched. And he was resisting the urge to start a rant.

I wasn't thankful for it.

Never hit the brakes  
There's no time to save him,  
He's run out in the street  
Anybody know his name?  
I think I recognize him  
(Sure it's him?)  
He's made from our mistakes

Woah,  
Woah.

So take me out tonight.  
The ship of fools I'm on will sink.  
A millstone around my neck.  
Be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

(Asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)(asterisk)

AN: I am a samurai. Your reviews would give me much honor.


End file.
